BANFF NATIONAL PARK – Provincial wildlife experts are warning hikers, skiers and snowmobilers that we’ve entered the most active period of the Yeti mating season and forestested areas are no longer safe for human activity.

“The Yetis tend to most active following the solstice,” said regional cryptobiologist Caroline DeKnight. “Humans aren’t the only ones who find long nights romantic.”

During breeding season, Yetis are known to display aggressive behavior towards humans, including but not limited to biting, mauling, and sobbing uncontrollably while holding the human in a bear hug and drunkenly ranting about their ex.

“If you do come across any Yeti mating activity, it’s important to not panic,” DeKnight says. “Never enter the woods at this time of year without at least one Sade or George Michael song on your phone. Set your speaker to maximum, and fling the device as far away from your location as possible. Like all warm blooded amorous creatures, Yeti will be drawn to that music. Then you run like hell.”

DeKnight cautions that anyone who escapes a Yeti encounter using this method needs to change all of their passwords as soon as possible upon reaching safety or risk discovering some very disturbing images uploaded to their cloud.

by Mary Gillis